Why is Online Dating So Grim?
Why do so many people complain that online dating is rife with deception, harassment and ghosting?
Through interviews with men and women across Europe and the Americas, I’ve heard countless stories of heightened excitement, splattered with sadness, loneliness and frustration - from the guys who slept over but never called, or women who matched on apps but then went silent.
My theory? When people connect online, there’s little social accountability. Matching with strangers in one-shot interactions, there’s no reputational cost to lying, cheating, being rude or unkind. Crudely, there is no community nor legal deterrent to being a selfish jerk. With so many fish in the sea, we ghost and move on.
This essay presents my analysis of moral policing, as well as how it varies between close-knit tribes, chosen friends, and online dating. I also consider how technological innovations might resolve these risks.
